Parenting Older boys- a note of encouragement

I saw a post on facebook today that has prompted this post tonight.

 

A friend was asking for advice from other parents who have adopted teens because one of their dear friends is in China right now adopting two older girls.  They are feeling nervous and somewhat out of sorts, so I thought I would offer some encouragement.

 

Now, before you check out on me and say, "What does SHE know about older girls?" 

Allow me to say...

"Nothing!" 

 

But, I do know what its like to be out of my element.  I know what its like to wonder if that still small voice was really what I heard all those months before or if, maybe, it was bad burritos? 

I know that feeling walking into a foreign civil affairs office only to look "up" (literally) to my new child.

 

So, to that family that is there right now, wondering what they should do at any given moment, please breathe.  Trust that God has not steered you in the wrong direction.

 

Know that He is equipping you, even now, to parent and love these new girls that are becoming your daughters.

 

Give yourself, and them, a lot of grace.

 

You will make mistakes.  You will not ruin them.

 

This trip and the process you are in right now are very stressful, so don't expect that you or the girls will be "yourselves" for awhile.

 

Remember, you cannot expect from them that which you have not modeled and taught.  Make no assumptions that even the simplest lessons have been learned.  Some may have. Many will not have.

 

My focus in country was to teach everything that I could that was "easy" while the window of wanting to impress was still open.

 

I'm referring to things like:

 

 Ask for what you need

Say please and thank you

Tell Mom or Dad where you are going, don't just disappear (ie. going to the bathroom in public place)

Look at those who are speaking to you

Place your napkin in your lap at meals

Push your chair in when finished

Mom enters/exits the elevator first

(remember, I have all boys, so chivalry was high on my list)

 

Now, did each of my older boys jump right into the plan I had? Colin did. Cameron was not all about the asking thing. He preferred to take what he wanted. (Very normal, by the way). Cooper, well Cooper was a pleaser, so yes. Connor, on the other hand, well, he jumped right into

"find my boundries" ville!

 

But, was it still valuable?  Absolutely.

 

Now, as I read over the many responses that others posted in response to this fb post, it also occurred to me that some of the most common "mistakes" that parents make when adopting an older child, especially for the first time, are things that are easily avoided if they only know different.

 

So, I am going to step out and share a few of the routines and expectations in our home that specifically apply to our older adopted kids.

 

Please know that much of this was "adopted" through trial and error, after many misfires and mistakes.  We did not have all of this in place when Colin came home.  We learned as we went, as most parents do.

 

But, Tom and I have found that many of these things have helped keep order and harmony in an otherwise loud and crazy household full of 5 active boys!

 

The first thing I want to tackle is the dreaded Technology question.

Our sons are greatly limited on the technology they may have. And, they must always ask permission to use anything. And use of the family computer is limited to school related work only on school nights.

We even require that they ask to watch TV.  

(Yes, I think that is important)

 

Our sons only use the internet in our living room. PERIOD.

 The only technology they are allowed to use in their rooms are hand held games

 (PSP, DS) 

that are pre-approved

 (and even then, very limited time usage.)  

None of our games are stored in their bedrooms.

 (Not only does this cut down on sneaking in a game when they shouldn't be, but it also keeps them from thinking of these devices as "their own". We have one DS and one PSP that are shared among 5 boys)

 

When it comes to computer usage, each child has a separate log-on that is filtered for their age level/ appropriate content.  Anytime one of them attempts to click on something or go to a website that is not approved,(almost always accidental) it blocks that attempt and sends me an email notification.  All my boys know that I keep tabs on their usage.  Their log-ons are also timed, so they will only work on certain days, at specified times and for a certain length of time.

 

Hibernation

 

I STRONGLY recommend keeping your new teens involved with the family, limiting technology and not allowing them to turn their bedroom into their only sanctuary.  

 

Yes, with all the change and the mental stress of learning a new language through immersion, there are times that they need to "clock out" and rest.  But, this can be a slippery slope.  I get the shivers when I hear of families adopting teens and handing then an Ipad and allowing them free reign in their bedrooms, not joining the family for events, or even meals.  This is not healthy for them in the long run.

 

If there is one thing I "wish I had known" when we adopted our first teen, it would be that we should NOT have been so timid in our parenting. We felt a little out of place and we were slower to require things of him for fear that he would be upset with us.  Once we got our "adoptive parent" sea legs, things have gone much smoother at home with our other children that have come home.  

What these teens need are PARENTS.

 

If you think for one minute that they don't need you hovering, you are wrong.  They need parents.  Every bit as much as your toddler needed your guidance, your teen does as well.

 

 

  That means keeping them close to you, not sending them away to their room every time they have a "mood" or get upset with you.  For us, when one of our new teens gets upset, his "go to" reaction is to head to his bed and sulk.  If I didn't know better, I'd say he could have inherited that from me!

 

Seriously, though.  It is important that they find their comfort in you, not in hiding.  When one of ours has a tantrum or a bad reaction to a parenting decision that they don't like, we require them to come stay with the family.  Sometimes, this requires going to their room, pulling back the covers and kindly asking them to come back downstairs to rejoin the family.

 

If they come, I see that as a win. 

(Smile not required)

This isn't about flexing your "I'm in charge muscles" so much as it's about helping them jump hurdles that they don't know how to navigate. 

(How many times as a teen did your

 "I'll show them" mentality

 end up depriving you out of something good in the end?)  I am simply suggesting that you help get them past themselves so that they can enjoy the benefits of family life.  They are not going to find those joys in the privacy of their bedroom glued to an I-pod, or I-pad, or I-anything!

 Help them learn to connect with their parents, and their siblings.  Find ways to redirect their energies to something positive. 

 

I can teach that later...

 

  Lastly, your kids are never going to be as open to learning as they are when they first enter your family.  While they may not like all the change, they do expect it and they are paying attention. Use that wonderful window when they want to do a good job to your family's (and their) advantage.  Model new behaviors and look for EVERY POSSIBLE opportunity to praise successes and to say yes.  If they have a need, say yes!!  If they have a want, (and it is possible, safe and healthy) say yes!!   They need to know that they can trust you to meet their needs.  As hard as it is to look at your teen as a deprived infant, in many adoptive scenarios, they were ARE.

 

It is highly likely that your child, especially if adopted as a teen, has spent most if not all of their formative years, fending for themselves.  They may not have had their needs met.  They may not have been kept safe.  They may only know "trust by manipulation", so use this time to establish an environment where you can give them lots of yeses!  Now, given all the "don't dos" that I just listed above, you may not see this as a complementary suggestion, but it really is.  Every roadblock that you can remove between you and your new child brings you closer together so that they can see you as their source of comfort, their provider, the one who cares, and loves and protects them. 

 

Pray for them often and lastly, don't wait to ask for help if you are unsure.  So often, it is hard to know if a certain behavior or reaction is adoption related, or normal, teen behavior.  Don't assume that things will get better all on their own.  Sure, they might.  But, if you are having trouble, don't walk through that alone.  Call your social worker.  In fact, keep calling until someone listens and offers help.  And, if your agency can't or won't help you in your post-placement transition, call Lifeline.  Their post-placement team is wonderful and each and every one of those men and women wants to be used of God to help families thrive! If you do not have resources in your community that are well trained in adoption attachment issues, please find someone who is!  Your family's success is important.  Your needs, along with the needs of your new children, matter!  Let someone pray along side your family and offer support services to get you through the tough spots.

 

They are so very worth it!

 

 

 

God Bless,

Angie

First Month Home- Connor & Cooper

Adjustment is never easy.

 

We don't like change, none of us, admit it.

 

Well, the kind of change that our two newest boys have experienced is among the most challenging.

 

Even for the most well adjusted child (which internationally adopted children are not), moving across the world with total strangers who speak a different language and look funny is overwhelming to say the least.

 

In the last month we've had lots of smiles, LOTS of noise, and yes, some tears.

 

But, despite some rough days...

 

they are handling it like champions!

The new boys jumped right into their English lessons shortly after arriving home.

We started with Leap Frog.


I know it is a little young for boys this age, but I have found nothing else that does as good a job teaching the letters and their sounds in a way that is so easy to remember.

Here is Cameron drilling the new boys on their sounds...

 

We already had our Homeschool version of Rosetta Stone (English) so we added two more accounts on there and they began to learn how to navigate this program.

It really is very easy to manage and does not require them to understand any English to get started.

Side note:  While all 4 of my adopted boys claimed to know the English alphabet when they came home, they didn't know ANY of the sounds that each letter made.  What they could do was recite the ABC song.  That was it, so if you are in process to bring home an older child who has had English in school since the 1st grade, don't set your expectations too high. Start from the beginning.

Once they mastered the sounds of each letter, we start in to the K book of Hooked on Phonics.

 Again, a little on the young side, but so far, no complaints and they are doing amazingly well!

Now that I am back to work full time, Tom is leading the reading, talking and handwriting instruction.

So, what else has the Rylands crew been up to?

Well, there was Easter Sunday...



a short trip up to Granny's farm...

 

a few hoops with another adoptive family

 

Our first visit to the local
Chinese restaurant...




An arsenal of nerf bullets flying near and far...



Our first bike riding lessons led by big bro, Colin...

Lots of family movie and game time,
complete with hand holding and cuddles!

 

 

 

 

 This video is from our "game night" when Cooper and Connor learned Farkle for the first time.
ADORABLE ALERT!

A little silliness from Connor at dinnertime is a common occurrence.

 

 

This next video is a little slice of "normal" around here...

 

 

Look who traded seats with Colin so he could sit next to Mom for family devotions...

 

Our most recent family movie night was great!

Cooper came over and cuddled into the recliner with his mama!

 

So, you may ask...how does Tommy feel about this new cuddle buddy of mine?

 

See for yourself!

 

 

 

Another fun activity is when Tom brings the boys down to my office to say hello.

 

They just get so excited about coming to see Mom and sharing what they've learned that day.

 

The first time they came by, each boy recites,
 "Hello Mom. How was your day?"
(with big smiles on their faces!)

Tom is very pleased with the effort that they are putting into their reading, Rosetta Stone and their handwriting.

But, there is plenty of time for fun too!
Thanks to our dear friend, Ms. Julie, the boys now have a huge pile of Legos! 

Here's to hours of quiet fun!

These are just a few of the things we have been up to as a family since adding to our crew.

 



Older Child Adoption: Affection & Attachment

So, many folks want to know about how affection and attachment occur with older kids.

 

With Colin and Cameron, this took some time. 

In fact, a lot of time. 

It is so important not to rush these things and to let yourself off the hook if it doesn't happen right away.

 

As I look back on it, I realize that I did not have very realistic expectations with the first two in this area. I also didn't have much in my toolbox that would help encourage healthy attachment.

(This is my short soap box where I tell you how IMPORTANT your pre-adoptive training is!)

For those who have not adopted, this may sound a bit foreign to you and that really is ok.  I never really knew what it was like to parent a child who comes from a "hard place" before I adopted.

It looks VERY different than "traditional" parenting.
It FEELS very different at first too.
But parenting a child with a traumatic background (regardless of the cause) is all about THEM and never about YOU.
It's not about the perfect family photos, or what the neighbors might say.
It's not about your Mother-in-law or Aunt Susan and how they think you are selfish in keeping them at arm's length.
It isn't about the judgmental looks you get at
Wal-Mart or McDonalds
when your child is not behaving.

It is about providing a safe place for them to heal.
It is about modeling love through pain.
It is about fervent prayer that they will some day know the love of Christ who orchestrated their stories and who will one day make all bad things untrue.

 

 

Thanks to some earned adoptive experience and an amazing team at Lifeline, I feel much better prepared for however this unfolds, but I am also better prepared than I was before to intentionally create moments that can encourage attachment.

 

If you are adopting an older child, especially a boy, there are things that you can do to create a physical connection if they are not open to hugging. 

 

There is the "new fangled" fist bump. 

 

 

 

Draping your arm around their neck

for a quick squeeze

 

 

The pat on the shoulder.

 

 

 

The key here is to be sensitive to any reaction that shows they are uncomfortable. 

Keep it light and try to smile.

 

Each boy's needs are unique, as is their past.  What they bring into the family is

their own story.

It is a precious story, but it is theirs.

 

After bringing home 4 boys now from various locations in China, I feel fairly safe in saying that as a culture, hugging is not very common.

 

Even our love-bug, Cooper,

 

 

was stiff as a board the first time I hugged him.

 

To take some of the awkwardness out of reciprocating affection, we make it a silly thing. 

It also helps us not to take the reaction too personally.

 

Now, one month later?

 

Cooper is offering unsolicited "I Love yous" and reaching for hugs at bedtime and when I leave for work. He even kisses me on the cheek at bedtime which is so incredibly precious!

 

Connor, at 13, is in a different stage of showing affection. 

His is disguised more in showing off, being silly, trying to scare mama by jumping out around a corner...but we are connecting and that is what is truly important.

 

The hugs and I love yous will come if and when he is ready.

Mamas, (and Daddys) try not to compare.
Each of your children are unique whether born of your womb or your heart, they all are special gifts from God and He chose you to help them heal, learn to love and to model the love of Christ.

If all else fails, just load up a love seat with 5 plus people and closeness is guaranteed!

 

 



Two more precious boys are HOME!

We are HOME!

 

So, I need to beg forgiveness for not posting very much while in China.

 

I have lots of excuses, so I thought I would list them for you... :-)

 

Cameron.

Connor.

Cooper.

 

Skyping Home.

 

Bonding.

 

Scheduled appointments.

 

Meeting new (or old, online) friends.

 

Occasionally assisting my great travel team from Lifeline.

 

Working.

 (Yes, I confess. I worked.  Not nearly as much as my wonderful new assistant and the team that backed me up while I was away, but none the less, I worked.)

You see, when God allows you to work in a ministry about which you are deeply and personally passionate, you just do it. It becomes a part of you.  As I was in China, living the early days with two amazing young boys, a part of my heart was with the Hong Kong and SC families that I serve. Their needs were never far from my thoughts, so as I was able, I did my best to coordinate things from afar! 

 

And last but not least...

 

FACEBOOK.

(my own personal photo album and excuse for not blogging...)

 

So, if you are NOT one of my many facebook friends, and want to be, send a friend request so you can see all the photos I posted over the past couple weeks.

 

All that said, I know that some of you here are NOT on facebook and one or two maybe even really DO live under the proverbial rock, so...

 

Here is a glimpse of our two newest sons home for the first time!

 

Cooper starting out on the long (L-O-N-G) flight home!

So grateful for the distraction of technology on a flight like this!

 

Here we are at the Charleston airport!

Midnight!

3/23/13

 

 

 

 

 

Showing the boys their new rooms...

 

Tom even had the beds turned down and ready for the boys to arrive.

 

 After a full night's sleep, the boys promptly went through the piles on the table and found the new Yo-yos and other small toys/books we brought home.  It was like Christmas morning around here!

 

 

We must take a break in the story here to represent the 5 hour "nap" I took this afternoon!

 

Once I woke up...correction...was woken up, it was almost time for dinner!

 

Colin grabbed the camera and starting clicking away.

 

 

Our first family dinner as a family of 7!

 

After dinner, we continued with the one goal of the day...LAUNDRY!

*Why exactly did I think it was a good idea to teach my new children to wear clean clothes everyday?????? #times5!

 

Cameron, my best clothes folder, was on "teacher duty" after dinner and showed Cooper how to fold the clothes.

 

 

For those of you who just gasped...and thought, "What?  Chores?  They just got home!" 

 

Breathe.

 

It's all good and I plan to blog on adoptive parenting and raising boys over the coming months, so stay tuned!

 

#Ireallydothisforalivinglife.

#Idon'tjustplayoneonTV!



Trauma & The "Well Adjusted Child"

As I am getting mentally prepared to welcome two more boys into our family, I have been contemplating the early days of Colin and Cameron being in our family.

 

It's been awhile since I've posted about the boys' transitions.  And I also realized that, for the most part, it has been Colin that I have shared about the most.

For the past few weeks, it is Cameron that has been on my heart.

 

To recap a bit, Cameron was the child that we advocated heavily for when we got home with Colin in September of 2011. 

 

This was the picture that captivated us from the other side of the world.  Just look at those EYES!

We were told time and again that we could not possibly adopt him, so with the help of several friends and advocates, and with his age out date approaching, we all set out to find his family.

 

Fast forward through a LOT of details and we find we are indeed his family and we race back to China to get him. So, in December, he became a Rylands.

 

I don't know what I expected, except that I found myself surprised whenever Cameron was "different" than his new, older brother.

 

It was clear to us that he was much younger than his legal age, and so we did expect there to be maturity differences.

 

As I remember back to the early days, one big difference was Cameron's expectations.  When he saw something he wanted, he took it. I remember even in the hotels while still in country, I felt the need to begin teaching him to ask for things. (Note here:  for children who perhaps had a difficult infancy/toddler years, it is important to develop a bond of trust by meeting their needs often and consistently.  It is also valuable to be able to say yes a LOT!)

 

So, I was intentional about setting up situations where I knew I was going to be able to say yes.  Stocking the hotel room with healthy snacks allowed me to say yes everytime he remembered to ask for a snack.  Instead of grabbing a banana, I required him to ask.  This opened up the lines of communication (with me instead of Colin) and allowed me to be the one to give him what he wanted/needed).

 

Other differences?  Colin would help me with anything and everything (even when I wasn't looking to be helped!).  Cameron?

 

Well, our dear, sweet, pretty Cameron was perfectly content to be served. 

 

Now, in case you were to think that he was not an obedient or respectful child, let me pause to say that was not the case.  When we asked Cameron to come help us with something, or hold the door, or clear the table etc..he was compliant.  However, if he was not asked, jumping up to help someone do something would never have crossed his mind!

 

You see, our pretty boy was quite a popular young lad in his home country and I suspect was not pushed hard to do anything he didn't want to do.  He had the "puppy dog eyes" down pat!

 

I want to warn prospective adoptive parents and those recently home with older children that the appearance of a good transition is not always what is appears to be.  Would that it were that easy.

 

With Cameron, he would hide his pain behind a smile.  Often even giggles.  When we had to have the difficult conversation with him that he was not really 14, he laughed. (While tears welled up in his eyes).  Had we not been hyper vigilant to observe the "hidden signs", we surely would have missed the pain that this news caused him.

 

If you have raised boys, you know how important things like age, height, weight, strength..are to the male species!  Telling Cameron that he was 4 YEARS youger than he thought was a HARD thing to handle.

 

We who have grown up with parents who raised us from birth take for granted that our birthday really IS the day we were born.  Those who have a different story, can't rely on that.  Our birthdate and the stories we are told as children about our early years are integral parts of our core identity.  Here we were telling this precious child that what he thought about his identity was not true.  So, while some of you might be tempted to challenge the "age" or "birthdate" that your adopted child comes with, I would caution you to pray over that decision carefully.  If the gap for Cameron had not been quite so dramatic, I am not convinced we would have made the change for him.

 

If you are a PAP (prospective adoptive parent) or newly home, be on guard to look for other signs that your child might be grieving the loss involved in their adoption.

 

For our boys, while they were older and more able to articulate their hurts and needs than younger children, they didn't necessarily share them with us.  At least not right away.

 

Realize that this reluctance is not just because of the language barrier.  In fact, I believe that the language barrier can be a protective layer over their hearts while they begin the tough work of healing.  For Cameron, being 4 years younger than Colin, he has less control over his emotional responses to things. 

 

But, eventually, and with a lot of affirmation, they do eventually begin to trust.  With Cameron, it was July before he started to open up about his memories.

 

 Once afternoon, while Cameron and I were alone in the car heading home from a Doctor's appointment, he says, "I remember taking a train ride with my mama".  Maybe it was the train tracks that we drove by that triggered this memory.  Saying nothing, but looking his way, I silently gave him permission to continue if he wanted.

 

And he did.  The conversation that followed was one that I shall never forget.  One that ripped my heart to pieces as I fought with all my might to stay focused on the highway, listen intently, and NOT cry for fear that he would be upset by that.

 

My precious, beautiful boy shared with me, in painfully accurate detail, the days and moments that led to his mama making the decision to abandon her son.

 

While he could not remember where his home was, he did remember riding on a train for 2 days with his mother.  Then, he shared about the day they were on a city bus and he fell asleep beside her in the seat.  When he awoke from his nap, he was alone in the seat, surrounded by strangers, unable to find his mama.  All I could think of in that moment was to say, "Honey, were you scared?"  He looked me right in the eyes and said, "Yes, mama. I was really scared." 

 

Oh my heart! 

All these thoughts raced through my mind at such speed...

 

"I need to show him I love him."

"I need to tell him that his mama loved him."

"I need to somehow make this ok."

 

So, what did I actually say?

 

I told him that as a mama, I knew what a very difficult thing it must have been for her to do.  I told him that she loved him so much that she was willing to let someone else be his mama so that he could get his clubbed feet fixed and have more opportunities for a happy life. 

 

He said that this was what he felt was true also.

 

I realize that I might never know the exact circumstances that drove his Mother to this choice.  I can only assume that his special need played heavily into her decision as well as the expense of surgery and therapy.

 

What I know for sure is that she will always have my compassion and respect.  I can not even imagine being in that place.  Being in a situation where I had to sacrifice my child for his own good.  Whatever the details, I will do everything I can, with God's help, to be there for Cameron as he heals from this rough start.

 

He has overcome so much in his life.  And his defense mechanisms are still there, deep inside.  And they do surface from time to time.  The tears come, he withdraws and diverts his eyes away from you, and it takes him some time to recover and bounce back.  But, after 10 months with our family, we are making progress. He is healing, little by little and his smile is becoming brighter each and every day.

 

He is much quicker to share his experiences in the orphanage, share happy memories about his younger years along with the sad ones, and trust that we are here to stay.

 

Of all my boys, Cameron is the most excited about welcoming Connor and Cooper into our family.  I can't wait to see how God is going to use him to love these two new boys into our home!

 

One thing that hasn't changed?

He still has the most killer gorgeous eyes ever!