When Lasagna Rocks Your World

If you're anything like me, you have a strong tendency to focus on your weaknesses, those inadequacies that glare at you in the mirror or get highlighted by some amazing, capable, got-it-all-together friend who you force yourself to love despite the painful comparisons you make.

No? This isn't you? 

Well, you can stop reading then. 

You don't need me. 

For the rest of you, maybe there is something here 

that God would have you hear. 

Today, the most simple act of kindness rocked my world. But not because of the kindness itself, but because of the brokenness that it put in 

a spot light for me. 

Today, a friend wanted to bless 

us with dinner. 

In a house full of male, teen eaters, with manly appetites, this is ALWAYS a blessing. 

Always. 

But today was different. 

Today, the amazing meal in question was a lasagna with salad. 

A FROZEN Lasagna- 

With NO instructions. 

So, in my culinary ignorance, I innocently text the person responsible for getting the meal to me and asked how I should cook it. 

She advised 1 hour at 375 degrees, check and uncover till cheese is browned on top. 

Seemed reasonable to me, so I thanked her and added my normal excuse, 

"Tom was the chef in the family"

That was when it happened. 

I crumbled. 

Sitting in the church parking lot waiting for 3 of the boys to finish band class, I absolutely lost it. 

Every single flaw, inadequacy, and bit of brokenness flooded over me in that moment.

I couldn't stop crying.  

I couldn't even cook a stinkin' frozen lasagna without help! 

But, here's the thing. 

It wasn't about the lasagna. 

It was about the painful reminder that I no longer had Tom here to fill in my gaps. 

I never had to cook. I never had to know what temperature to cook a lasagna, or anything else for that matter. 

On those rare occasions that I needed to cook, I could READ THE DIRECTIONS. 

But today, there were no directions. 

There was no Tom. 

There was just me. 

And in that moment, I not only saw my ignorance with cooking, but every other single flaw I possess. 

I saw everything that now was right in front of me, all those things that Tom made better. 

I saw my impatience and my temper. 

I saw my grief and my fatigue. 

I saw my frustration and I realized that there is a reason I have these gaps. 

There is a reason that God lovingly reminded me of them today. 

You see, I don't think that these things, these reminders, are always from the enemy. 

I believe there are times when our loving Father needs us to recognize our weakness so that we have no choice left 

but to cling to him. 

All my type A peeps will testify that 

one of the worst feelings in the world is to feel weak. 

I hate being broken. 

I hate feeling that I'm not enough and will never be enough for my kids. 

I hate feeling that without their father, we are all missing some vital part of our lives that can never be replaced. 

But I know that I am not alone. 

I know that the God who called him home has not left us and that if he needed me to be enough, he would have made it so.

If I needed to be a fabulous cook, 

I would be.  

So for all of you who aren't enough either, 

join me in praising God for your weaknesses. 

Praise Him for being enough, for being sufficient. 

There are many days that I simply cannot fathom why God chose me, of all people, to be a single mom to these children, but I will trust Him. 

I will trust that no matter how broken I may be, that He didn't get this wrong and that He will give me what I need and what they need to fulfill His purposes for their lives. 

So go on and sew that button back on with the wrong colored thread, tell your sons you want to "make a goal" while 

you are shooting hoops, 

admit that you have NO IDEA what the answer to that calculus question is, because it's ok to get it wrong. 

It's ok if you aren't enough. 

What you ARE, is exactly who God intended you to be and the perfect parent for your kids. 

And the lasagna? 

It eventually cooked and it was great! 

Open Letter to Husbands and Fathers from a Widow on Valentine's Day

Well, it's my first Valentine's Day since Tom met the Lord this past summer. He was the great love of my life and I am incredibly grateful for the years that God granted us to love one another.

So here's the thing. I've never been a huge fan of this holiday. I am not a VDay basher, either, just never got all excited about obligatory gifts and junk food. Tom, on the other hand, was a pitiful romantic. He never missed an excuse to show his love for me, whether I expected it or not. He would not allow me to be a grinch about love. 

This holiday has always had mixed reviews, right? Some people look forward to it each year with the anticipation of a 16 year old in love for the first time, while others loathe the commercial aspect of this created holiday and grumble about the implied responsibility of this day.

After all, who wants to feel compelled by social pressure to say, "I love you" or to buy a card, roses and candy? And they jack up the prices so! Shouldn't those things come more than once a year? Shouldn't they be spontaneous? 

Of course, the answer is yes to both of those questions. The romantic gestures that express love and appreciation for your spouse and children should be a natural overflow of your acknowledgement that each is a unique and precious gift from God. 

And yes, they should come from your heart any time of year, but before you dismiss Valentine's Day altogether, indulge me a moment. 

As I sit here at my computer on our made up "romantic" holiday, missing my husband, watching all my precious friends loving one another today, I want you to think about this day as a memory rather than today. 

Think about what this day will mean 5, 10, 20 years from now to your spouse or your kids, or their kids... 

One day, you will leave this world. Aside from the Lord coming again, we will all die one day. Once that happens, all your good intentions die with you. Everything you wish you'd said or done are worthless. You have but one sacred life to live on this earth. Your legacy matters. 
And you WILL leave one. 

When you are gone, will your wife be able to feel your words surround her on Valentine's Day? Will she be able to recite your words of love and affirmation from memory? I can. I can hear my husband's words as if he were standing here right now because of all the countless times he spoke them. Will your sons and daughters know from your example what it means to selflessly love another? Will they know how to love their spouses well, after you are no longer here to show them? 

I am so proud of the man I married who not only loved me well, but who taught our 5 boys to love me well too! It is due to his incredible example that I received flowers for Christmas and my Anniversary in his absence. They knew that their Dad would want that. They knew that he would want them to show his love to me since he can no longer do it himself. 

I am confident that one day, when the Lord brings each of them a godly woman to love and serve as husband, that they will know how to love them well too.

I urge you, regardless of what your feelings about this holiday are, to consider embracing each and every excuse to love well. Yes, even if that means celebrating Valentine's Day! Serve one another. Hug your spouse now. Tell them that you are thankful to have them, even if you aren't feeling it at the moment. Life is so short and we are all so guilty of taking one another for granted. 

Men, you have incredible influence in your homes. Use that influence to leave a legacy of love. It can change generations. 

My 5 Little Ninjas!

As the Summer approached and I was working, leaving Tom at home with 5 active boys, it was important for us to figure out what activities we could get the boys involved with that wouldn't create a burden on the budget, and wouldn't create a carpool nightmare going in twelve different directions each day.

 

The solution?

 

KARATE!

For the last two weeks, all 5 boys have been enrolled in Agape Do Karate!

 

 

 

 

Even our most reluctant child (guesses anyone?) is loving it!

 

 

At the end of most classes, the students work on their academic portions of their learning:

Scripture memory, Catechism, and Lessons from our country's founding fathers.

 

 

Can't get enough of these handsome boys!

 

 

Sempai Cheyenne and Dakota leading the class

(Sensei's children- both black belts)

 

Here is a little clip from a recent class...

 

The boys are getting some great exercise, we all go to the same place at the same time, and they are having fun!

 

 

The Piggy Banks

All three boys have piggy banks.

Tommy's bank,

was a gift when he was born.

Admittedly, more money was put in there the first year than has been placed into it at all since!

Colin and Cameron were with me at the Goodwill and saw their piggy banks for $1 and got so excited about them...

Well, this weekend, we finally emptied the piggy banks!

This past weekend, after Colin's birthday celebration, we decided that we would open a savings account for Colin.  

I am thankful that Colin is a saver!  Only God could place a child, not of my womb, into our family with the same "frugal" genes as his new mama!

Tom sat down with the boys and created their deposit tickets for their new accounts.

Colin was flashing his cash since he hit the jackpot after his Birthday! 

(That, and the money people have blessed him with as he has selflessly offered to translate letters to and from their waiting children).

Of course, the other boys didn't want to be left out, so away we went. We all filed into the bank to open savings accounts for each of the boys.

Here is our oldest opening his first bank account.

Tommy showing off his receipt from his first deposit...

Cameron being his normal silly self!

This kid is turning out to be quite a hoot!  But, we'll save that for another day...

So, we'll see how long these savings last.  Colin and Cameron are hoping to travel to China with me when we get Cooper, so they are motivated to save.  Colin can't wait to get more Chinese books.

It is really fun to see these boys learn about money and how to be good stewards...

Children on loan from God

I have often heard over the years about children being "on loan" from God.  Intellectually, I understood that was true and that, like all other blessings from the Lord, our job as parents was to be good stewards of those gifts.

Even after becoming a parent, I think I would have agreed with the stewardship part, knowing that I had a solemn responsibility to parent Tommy well and to instill in him values consistent with our faith as Christians.

 

But this phrase is about much more than being a good parent.  There is also an element where we must acknowledge that these children are not "ours" any more than our money is "ours" or our talents are "ours".  This is where it gets a little tougher.  Ok, in my case, seriously tough.

 

Having worked so hard to get to the point of starting a family, having prayed for years for this little blond-headed, blue eyed child, having carried Tommy for 9 months and delivering him, I guess I felt that, while I was truly blessed of God to have him, he was mine.  Mine.

Back then, I "knew" that Tommy was likely the only child I would ever have, so making mistakes with him was really not an option.  Did I mention that he was mine? 

I did what I suspect many moms do, especially with their first child.  I prayed for wisdom, I prayed for God to protect "my child", I prayed for God to work through and strengthen "my child", but I can't remember a single time in his early life ever praying for "God's child".  I did not truly recognize that Tommy was "on loan" from God the Father.  I didn't really fully understand what that meant.

In fact, I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect parent because in my mind, God needed my help.  He did, after all, choose me to mother this boy and so I had to be perfect or Tommy would.... (fill in the blank).  Many, if not all, the decisions that were made for this little guy as he grew were made from a place of fear, albeit, not consciously.  I projected him into his 30s and thought that every possible parenting mistake I made was going to ruin him.

I am certain none of you out there reading this have ever had THOSE thoughts.  To say that this created an undercurrent of stress would be an understatement.  But, then again, Tom has always said that I have the "gift of understatement"!

As I look back, it was a Counselor that I know who bluntly put the brakes on this twisted thinking.  She recognized what many probably saw in me and said to me once something akin to, "You know, if you were hit by a bus tomorrow, Tommy would grow up to be exactly what God wants him to be.  He doesn't need you!" 

OUCH!

Call the paramedics.

What?  Now, I'm sure that all of you would have immediately internalized the true message of those words and would not have obsessed on the "HE DOESN"T NEED YOU" part.  'Cause you all are much more mature than me. BUT....all I heard in that brief moment was that Tommy really didn't need me. Music to a mother's ears, right?  NOT!

Now, as a quick aside for anyone who does not know me personally...I am not an overly emotional person.  I am, by nature, quite analytical.  But, when it comes to my children---whoa nellie!  What I focused on in that moment was, what do you mean my child doesn't need me?  Have I been working this hard on the parenting thing for nothing?  Huh?

Of course, it didn't take me long to realize that what the real message was about was that God chose Tom and I to parent this special little boy and He knew all along that we were not perfect parents.  He knows every step Tommy will ever take and He loves him far more than we are capable of. So, I needed to take a step away from my child and remember that GOD HAS THIS! 

I learned a valuable lesson that day.  GOD HAS THIS.  He has my child in the palm of His capable hand.  I also learned that I CAN NOT take credit for the gifts that God has chosen to give my child.  No matter who gave birth to him, it was God almighty that formed that boy and it is He who has gifted him.  HE IS ON LOAN to us. 

Little did I know that this conversation with the counselor was only part 1 of my lesson.

As most of you know, Tommy was our first-born child, but God had plans for our family to be much bigger than just him. (A HUGE SURPRISE TO ALL OF US)

 Since adopting Colin and Cameron, I have been reminded (more easily, I admit) that these precious children are given from God. They are entrusted to us by His grace.  Why is it that this is so much more easily recognized with my adopted children than with my biological child?  I guess the fact that I had nothing to do with their genetic makeup, and did not have the honor of rearing them from birth, it was easier for me to understand that God created them in His wisdom and gifted them without any "help" from me.

All this brings me to today.  July 1, 2012.

Today, with the support of a large contingent of other adoptive families, Tom and I publicly dedicated our two older sons to God.  For those who are not as familiar with this custom, let me clarify a few things. 

First, this act of public dedication is much like a infant baptism in certain denominations.  In and of itself, it does nothing to secure my children's future for eternity.  My desire for their salvation is not enough. One day, they will have to accept or reject our beliefs and cling to their own.  Just like infant baptism does not secure our children acceptance into Heaven, today was not about making decisions for our children that are not ours to make.

What it was, was a public demonstration of our commitment as their parents to teach them about God and to rear them in such a way that they can see God working in our lives.  We publicly joined together with our entire congregation to show them that the "Body of Christ" loves them and will stand beside them as they navigate this new life of theirs. We have explained this to each of the boys and have told them that it will ultimately be up to them whether or not they accept the gift that God wants them to have, and that we are there to guide them and to teach them. 

Today was so very special for us.  It was special for the boys too, to see how much they are loved by their friends and especially by the local community of adoptive families.

5 whole rows filled with adoptive and foster families! Wow!

Today, we had many families join us in support of our children and to demonstrate what "adoption" really looks like. 

There were foster families, domestic adoptive families, international adoptive families...it was a powerful image for us all.  Seeing row after row of Godly parents and their "gifts" sitting there in support of our children.  It was a gift of love for each of them to leave their usual places of worship and celebrate with us the gifts of Colin and Cameron!

My sincere prayer is that this day becomes a precious milestone for my boys and that one day soon they are praising the name of Jesus from their own hearts.  I choose to be thankful for the privilege of seeing up close what God has planned for them.

To each person that was there for us today, we say thank you!  Thank you for showing such love and support to our boys.  You all know, better than anyone could, that just being there for them shows them a love that they have never known.  It shows them that they are important to believers and to God the Father. 

The Lewis family and thier son Nate, adopted from Uganda. 
The Morgan family and their beautiful Mary Claire, adopted domestically.

Kim Jackson and 5 of her 6 children: 
Clint and his four sisters: Jenny, Sarah, Rachel and Katie, all adopted from China.

The Gour family with 5 of their children (front row, Claire and Asher, both adopted from China)

The Vaughn family, adopted Malachi and Elizabeth from Ruwanda last year and
we were so blessed to dedicate our children together today.

Our precious friends, the Pettersen family stood in support of us as
representatives of our church body.  We love you all!

I wish I could have gotten pictures of each of the wonderful families that were there to share our day!  We love each of you very much and thank you for your thoughtfulness today.

You have made this a most special day for us all!